Last-Minute Christmas: The One-Percenter Edition!

Ah, Christmas.

For many, it is a time for sharing; a time for love and brotherhood; a time to catch up with friends and family you will be thrilled to see (and just as thrilled to escape once it’s time to head home).

For some, however, Christmas is, to borrow a phrase from Fitzgerald, “very different.” They are the folks who have come to be known as “The 1%,” and while some of them (Warren Buffett being the most obvious and vociferous example) have been very vocal in their support of “Occupy Wall Street” and its mission to bring some measure of equality to taxation and distribution of wealth and resources, most have been quietly going about the business of amassing even greater wealth while pretending the streets are not inflamed with aggrieved and jobless protesters. Who has time to deal with the unwashed masses when there are bonuses to calculate? But the lives of these intrepid warriors of the Black AmEx are far from stress-free, especially at the holidays: having accumulated this wealth, how shall they spend it? What does one get the person who may, quite literally, have everything?

Sure, it’s easy enough to slip the chauffer a new Tag Heuer or send a dozen call girls to that special Senator, but what about those last minute gifts that always seem to be overlooked in the hustle and bustle of the Christmas season?

Well, luckily for the fat of wallet but thin on time, there’s Claire’s Last Minute Christmas: One-Percenter Edition. So tell your personal assistant to get their iPhones ready…now!

STOCKING STUFFER: CARTIER ART DÉCO PRESTIGE & INITIATED ROLLERBALL WITH CHINESE-STYLE DECOR

PRICE: $4,760

WHAT IT DOES:Transfers ink to paper, usually when signing a hostile takeover bid or approving the layoffs of a few thousand employees. Also, it’s a PEN.

PERFECT FOR: Mustachioed robber barons; CEOs; anyone who wants to write anything, really, because IT’S AN EFFING PEN.

GODLESS LIBERAL GIFT EQUIVALENT: Immunizations for 2,500 heathen Burmese children who probably didn’t even bother to vote for Bush.

SECRET SANTA: Stuart Hughes’ iPad 2 – “Gold History Edition”

PRICE: £5,000,000 (approximately $7,749,000)

WHAT IT DOES: Plays “Words with Friends;” gets smudgy; announces to anyone and everyone in the immediate area that the owner is a huge douchebag. Did I mention they DESTROYED A T-REX FOSSIL to make this thing?

PERFECT FOR: Those hard-to-buy-for members of the senior board; anyone one might like to see beaten and robbed for a ludicrously-overpriced electronic Etch-a-Sketch™; Satan.

GODLESS LIBERAL GIFT EQUIVALENT: Feeding a hungry family of four in the USA for 2,980 YEARS (by which point, one hopes, “trickle-down” economics will have finally kicked in).

FOR THE RICH MAN’S BEST FRIEND (well, the one that’s not Congress): The world’s most expensive dog house. Canine-dominium. Poochy Penthouse. Whatever.

PRICE: $387,400 (not including the treats)

WHAT IT DOES: Provides shelter, food and water to a faithful canine friend. You know, the one who would be just as happy living in a fruit crate and eating garbage. Oh, and it also captures all the fun on CCTV, in case the owners have Hollywood aspirations and a script called  “Puppynormal Activity.”

PERFECT FOR: Dogs. Duh.

GODLESS LIBERAL GIFT EQUIVALENT: 2,422 TONS of food for shiftless, jobless pets who also probably didn’t vote for Bush, living in the, ahem,  “luxurious” accommodations of animal shelters across the USA.

FOR “THE HELP:” A crappy gift certificate, a canned ham, or even a few hours’ respite from your constant demands for obeisance.

PRICE: Up to $100 (these are the bills you use to light the fireplace)

WHAT IT DOES: Reinforces your status as a capricious god-like figure whose whims must be appeased in hope of token rewards; keeps the ACLU off your back.

PERFECT FOR:The people you trust enough to prepare your food, guard your valuables and raise your children, but not enough to leave alone with the silver.

GODLESS LIBERAL GIFT EQUIVALENT: A living wage.