One 430 pound Ophelia A. Neal recently spent her afternoon robbing a bank in Detroit. Her assault weapon? Two jars of spaghetti sauce. My first question was “What kind of self-respecting woman buys jarred sauce?” but then I was reminded that the suspect is 430 pounds and robs banks rather than dating rich men, so she’s probably not the type of gal I’d normally hang out with.
Neal reportedly threatened bank employees with a “bomb,” as she demanded cash. Fearing death and the wrath of a woman who is three times the size of an average woman and four times the size of an attractive one, the employees submitted to the thief. Imagine their humiliation when they realized she’d actually just thrown the food she happened to be carrying in her purse at them before waddling off to an escape car (breathing heavily with a ravine of sweat in her bosom, I presume). Her accomplice was said to be a man. If you’re single, let that sink in for a minute: a 430 pound woman convinced a guy to help her rob a bank and you can’t convince one to hang out with you before 2:00AM. Ain’t life grand?
Police are still in search of the woman who was already on parole for marijuana possession and fraud.
